Connexion
Does this sound familiar: You've craved sex more than your partner did for months only for them to want to have more sex when you were content with having a nice cuddle? If it does, then you definitely have experienced "desire discrepancy,"—which, while frustrating, is also very common among couples.
Dr. Emily May, a relationship therapist, describes desire discrepancy as a "difference in sexual desire between partners." It's actually very common and couples of all ages can experience it. It can also be experienced in phases, no matter what your previous sex life was like, or how long you’ve been together. "Studies show that up to 80% of couples could be affected by sexual discrepancy at least some point in their life," she says. "It can result in one person feeling under-satisfied as well as feelings of rejection, frustration and inadequacy and can impact a couple’s physical and emotional connection."
For those experiencing differing libidos, it's important not to blame yourself—or your partner.
"Understanding that it is common and can affect couples of all ages is key to finding a solution and can also help to reduce any negative feelings," May says. "Instead of looking for something or someone to blame, focus on honest and open communication regarding your needs, desires and concerns. Taking an empathetic approach is key and being open to mutually satisfying solutions. A professional therapist may also be able to help, providing support and advice to help you talk about the situation and navigate it effectively. Together, this can create a healthier and more fulfilled connection with your partner."
According to May, there are various factors that contribute to desire discrepancy. "Some of the most common ones include hormonal changes such as menopause, stress, lifestyle changes and relationship dynamics," she says. "It can also be a simple case of the fact that some people have a higher libido compared to others. While sex might be important for one person, the other may prefer an emotional connection. One partner might believe sex and intimacy are key to showing love, but others may view it as a physical need."
If you're experiencing desire discrepancy with your partner, discussing your sexual needs and desires can be difficult—you don't want to guilt-trip your partner, nor do you want to refrain from being true to what you want. Sex therapist Melissa Cook advises that when communicating where you're at sexually with your partner, a safe and supportive environment is key, "where there is room for open and honest communication without judgment."
"This will help both you and your partner to feel more comfortable expressing your needs, desires, concerns and boundaries," she says. "This is also key to a stronger and more fulfilled connection."
Cook also recommends to approach any conversations about your misaligned sex drives with empathy and understanding while being open to suggestions and avoiding blame and criticism. "Remember that sex-drive differences don’t indicate any personal or relationship failure, and are completely normal," Cook says. "Instead, view it as an opportunity to grow and improve your physical and emotional connection."
Another thing: Don't blame yourself if you're not feeling "in the mood."
"The first thing you do is remind yourself that you are only human," sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova of Lovehoney says. "Our sexual desire fluctuates just like everything else in life. So, acknowledge that and be gentle with yourself and your partner. Start by having a conversation to make sure you both are on the same page and see if it is external influences, like life, or internal influences that are leading to desire discrepancy."
Frye-Nekrasova also recommends working together as a team. "Be upfront and share with each other where you feel like you are sexually, and how active your sex drive is. If you know what is impacting your libido, share that. By being open and communicating with each other, you and your partner may be able to figure out some ideas about what can be done to help alleviate some of the external factors that are impacting your sex drive."
Because relationships are personal, says Cook, a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t typically work. Instead, she suggests communicating regularly about how you’re feeling, asking questions about your partner’s needs and preferences and not being afraid to try new things and experiment with activities to spark intimacy, including planning a date night, getting cozy on the couch, lighting some candles and enjoying a massage and spending some quality time together—without focusing on the end goal of sex," she says.
Frye-Nekrasova says it's key to prioritize relaxation. "When we are relaxed, we can more easily get into intimate and aroused places and have more desire for ourselves and our partner(s). To get intimate with your partner you can start with some sensual massage, planning and going on a date, or dancing in the living room to some of your favorite music."
If you're worried about your mismatched libidos, Frye-Nekrasova says it's totally acceptable to seek a professional help at any point in time in this process, including when you first notice the desire discrepancy. "Professional help can be most impactful at the beginning of a problem, especially if you and your partner don't feel like you have the tools or are equipped to try and solve the problem yourselves," she says. "There is no correct answer because every relationship is different."
For people who are worried if their sex drives will ever be aligned again, Frye-Nekrasova says the outcome could be mixed. "The goal can be to get it back to how it was before the discrepancy began, but it might not look exactly the same. Nearly every aspect of our sexuality fluctuates and changes throughout time, including our sex drives. So, if your sex drive looks a little different or you notice it changing, that's okay. Be sure to talk to your partner to figure out what works for both of you and remember to remain patient and flexible as you get back into alignment."
You've probably said something like, "That was fun!" or "That was hot," after engaging in sex with your partner, but what about when you want to get more specific? Maybe you'd prefer them to stop biting your neck so much or you'd like them to start having more oral sex with you. We all know communication is key when it comes to having a better sex life, but knowing how to tell your partner that you'd like them to stop doing something in bed without, well, crushing their feelings, is a little tougher.
"Providing sexual feedback, including criticism, which I like reframing as 'pleasure pointers,' is important for every relationship’s sexual pleasure and continued sexual growth," Dr. Shamyra Howard, a sexologist at We-Vibe, says. "However, it’s not always easy to provide sexual feedback, especially when it can be seen as negative or disapproving, because many people have not been taught how to engage in sexual communication. Additionally, sex is a very sensitive topic for many, and unfortunately, many people have been socialized to think their sexual performance is good as it is."
Talking about sex isn't easy, but having those tough talks—or as Howard calls them, "pleasure pointers"—can be integral to having a satisfying sex life, which can only strengthen your relationship. Here's how to do it gracefully and respectfully.
When giving feedback about a lover’s sexual performance, Howard says it’s generally best to avoid having the discussion right after a sexual encounter.
"The main time sexual feedback ... is recommended during sex is if a person is experiencing pain or discomfort, or if there is a safety issue," she explains. "Conversations that are specific to sexual feedback are best when each partner is aware the conversation is going to happen, which is why it’s best to have a scheduled 'sexual intimacy check-in' weekly."
She adds, "A best sexual practice is to always discuss sexual preferences before engaging in sexual activity. That can also decrease sexual and performance anxiety."
Howard recommends asking these questions during your sexual intimacy check-ins:
What is something you have enjoyed about our sexual relationship lately?
What is something you wish we did more sexually?
What is something you want us to do less sexually?
What is one thing I can do differently or better to please you the next time we have sex?
What is something I should know about you sexually that would improve our sexual relationship?
If there is a sexual issue such as pain, discomfort, unpleasantness, or if something unsafe is occurring in the middle of sex, Howard says it’s best to speak up in the moment and provide a visual cue as to what you would like.
"As long as you speak to your partner respectfully, there isn’t a wrong way to tell your lover you need something different," she says. "Many partners do best with a visual approach, saying something like, 'Let me show you what feels best,' or, 'Try doing it like this,' while showing them the way."
When providing sexual feedback to a partner, Howard says it’s important to be honest, straightforward, and respectful.
"The goal is to have a solution-focused outcome, so for every problem, provide a potential solution," she explains. "Therefore, some things not to say include: 'You never do this right.' This is not a productive way to approach the situation, and it can prevent your partner from hearing and responding to your needs."
She also suggests avoiding feedback such as, “This is the worst I’ve ever had," or, “My last partner did it this way.”
The first one, she says, "is not kind or productive. You aren’t trying to hurt your partner’s feelings; your goal is to increase the pleasure you’re giving and receiving."
As for the latter, Howard says it’s not helpful to compare your partners. "Your goal is to provide pleasure pointers that will benefit the sex you’re having together," she explains. "You’re there to have the best sex you can with each other, not try to outperform another partner."
Mostly associated with BDSM, wax play involves melted wax as a sensual or sensation-focused type of play that involves dripping melted wax onto each other—or it can be done more sensually, with a massage candle. As for why folks engage in wax play, according to Dr. Carol Queen, the in-house sexologist at Good Vibes, the reasons vary whether couples are interested in exploring kink, temperature play, or craving something a little sensual.
"Hot wax play can be a kink—something that is extra-arousing to participants because of the feel or even the idea of it," she says. "The sensation can be shocking, especially when combined with blindfolding, so depending on how hot the wax is, it can be a form of sadism/masochism, or pain play. Even if the wax is not that hot and doesn't have any pain component, it still can have lots of power play elements (again, especially if there is blindfolding). Emotional or mental responses can include fear and anticipation, both of which can be highly erotic for some people."
In both types of play—whether you're going for sensation-based or sensual—one partner drips melted wax onto the other. The difference, says Queen, between the two kinds of wax play involves (at least in part) the type of wax used.
"In sensation-based wax play, the wax will be hotter, giving a stinging or mild burning sensation—candle wax will be used for this," she explains. "For sensual play, a massage candle is used. These are made of a wax (often soy oil-based) with a much lower melting point than paraffin or other candle materials, meaning that when it melts it is not as hot, and you get warm massage oil instead of drops of wax that harden on the skin. From there, massage and other kinds of erotic play are the logical (and delightful) next steps, though I would not recommend the oil from massage candles as internal lubricant for insertion play. If so used, definitely get a candle that's unscented. These candles aren't made for this purpose and using scent in a lubricant just isn't a good idea."
In sensation-based play, where a top is dripping wax onto a bottom, Queen says this could have a "service top" energy to your experience "because the bottom loves it and wants to do it, or it could have 'sexy threat' energy (still consensual and negotiated, mind you!) with lots of dirty talk that emphasizes fear (consensual fear!) and helpless anticipation," she says. "Again, blindfolding can ramp up that energy, as can bondage."
Another scenario involves the top dripping the wax from some height—often a couple of feet up—which lets the hot wax cool a little bit before it hits the body. "It's being dripped on naked skin, since wax is no fun to remove from bedding, lingerie, or hair, etc.," Queen explains. "On the skin it will harden, and another level of the play can involve how it feels to peel or scrape it off."
Queen recommends negotiating the rules ahead of time with your partner and making sure you have a safe word. Also, since the candles (in either type of play, kinky or massage-focused) will involve lighting a candle and moving it around, you want to do this in a place where you won't risk a fire. It's wise to make sure there is a stable place to set the candle when you are not holding it, and that you ensure the flame is completely out when you're done.
"This level of mindfulness suggests that a certain level of sobriety is a good idea for this kind of play," Queen adds. "Also, watch out not to drip from too high, lest the wax splash and hit places you didn't intend. Additionally, keep the wax away from any mucous membranes, keep it outside of the body, and avoid eyes and hair. Make sure to keep the candle away from any flammable materials."
Because you are dealing with fire, hot wax, and skin, Queen says it's important to prepare your area, and body, ahead of time. Some simple recommendations include making sure the candle is stable when it's not in hand, that your matches or your lighter works, and that there's water nearby in case the lit wick gets a little unruly. It's also a good idea, says Queen, to protect sheets or furniture in the event the wax splashes off.
"It's also great to know if the bottom has particularly sensitive skin, which might impact the kind of wax you choose," she says. "Test the wax drop on the bottom first to make sure it isn't a material that will irritate them."
For easy removal, Queen recommends using a scraping device (such as a plastic card) to scrape the wax off their body when done, spank it off with a flogger, comb it, use ice and water, scratch it off with nails, or use natural oils to massage into the skin and hydrate the skin while removing the wax.
Another thing to consider before engaging in wax play is deciding whether the bottom has body hair where you're planning to play. "It's recommended that you do wax play over smooth skin—but some folks are furry," she says. "Maybe they'll want to shave to do wax play, and maybe they won't."
In any case, she suggests the bottom lightly oil up with something neutral like unscented massage oil, shea butter or silicone lubricant. "But note: Many oils can ignite when exposed to open flame, so it's going to be extremely important for the top to have control of their candle," Queen says. "And if the candle doesn't burn smoothly (spitting, pieces of wick falling off), don't use it."
"When I learned my wax play knowledge back in the day, the given info was that the safest wax play candles were plain white unscented plumber's candles with a cotton wick," Queen says. "White paraffin candles can be found as tapers, in glass (like altar candles), or as tea lights. Altar candles are contained in a glass jar so they're easy to handle, but you'll want to watch out for the glass element. Tea lights are easy to use too, until the metal casing they come in gets uncomfortably hot. They can be a challenge to keep hold of. If you use those, or tapers, make sure you have set up a safe place to set them down. This type is strongly recommended if you don't have a sense of how sensitive your bottom's skin might be."
When it comes to beeswax, or scented or colored candles, Queen says that these can all burn hotter. "You won't necessarily know what color and scent additives are in your candle, so at the bare minimum, test them first if you are going to use a candle like this."
So you're in the bedroom with the candle. How do you make wax play feel sexy rather than strange, especially if it's your first time? Queen suggests doing the following:
Use a blindfold
Add in bondage gear, if you roll that way.
Erotic talk
Taking the wax off is sensation play too: Keep the scene rolling while that happens.
Make it part of temperature play in general and have a small bowl with a few ice cubes on hand. You can do cool, then hot, then cool.
Wax play often sensitizes the skin and simple touch will feel different, so that is also something erotic to explore.
As with any play that can involve intense sensation or fear, Queen says it's key to come back to reality together and lose your power-exchange roles when it's appropriate.
"The top should see what the bottom might need, whether it's to hydrate, a few bites of protein, a bath, [or] a cuddle," she says.
When it comes to the wax play, specifically, Queen says you want to make sure the bottom's skin is doing well and "they don't need burn or pain relief cream. Make sure all the wax is off. Once the wax is off, maybe get in the shower together and remove all the residue."
It’s that time of the month and you’re in the mood. What to do? Period sex is still one of those sexual taboos that some of us might shy away from, citing logistics, cramps, and messiness. Some might even wonder, is period sex worth the hassle? The quick answer: yes!
“Generally speaking, the benefits of having sex on your period are the same benefits you get with sex during any other time,” sexpert Angie Rowntree, founder & director of the ethical porn site Sssh.com, says. “However, some women report that period sex helps them relieve cramps or feel less pain (since orgasmic contractions help the uterus to contract). Period sex also definitely satiates any cravings for extra partnered intimacy as well, so there’s both a physical and emotional component to the benefits.”
There are plenty of good—and pleasurable—reasons why you should have period sex, and there are a number of ways to enhance your and your partner’s enjoyment. Here’s what you need to know when you (or your partner) is feeling frisky during your period.
According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for Lovers, there are some great reasons to have period sex. “For starters, your menstruation blood can act as lube. If you are not using a period sponge, the blood itself can be a great source of non-stop lubrication, especially during your heaviest time,” she explains. “Also, if the sex leads to orgasm, the orgasm itself can help mitigate pain and cramps caused by your period. And although it might be hard to get there because of the pain, the end result may be worth pushing through the pain temporarily.”
Because you may be a little more (or much more) sensitive while being on your period, Stewart says it’s normal for many people to prefer to have period sex for that reason alone.
And, she adds, you still want to take the proper precautions as you would even if you weren't on your period. “Yes, there is no chance of you getting pregnant, but the vagina is more fragile and susceptible to new bacteria and viruses because of the pH balance change."
If you and your partner are both keen on period sex, Rowntree says you both need to realize that “mess”—aka period blood—is generally part of the entire experience. “Menstrual blood has a particular texture and smell that will be different from your period-free sex, but it is nothing to stigmatize or feel ashamed about,” she says. “If your partner does feel uncomfortable, respect where they are coming from and any boundaries that they have. Remember that just because you can do something does not necessarily mean that you should. Talk to each other and only proceed if you are both aroused and comfortable.”
If you’re both down to have period sex, she says it’s as simple as using some common sense and good hygiene to ensure your bed linens are protected, or properly cared for in the event of staining—like using a dark-colored towel on the bed or couch—or skip the sheets and go lather each other up in the shower.
When it comes to the best positions for period sex, Stewart says it’s important to try out sexual positions that put your body at ease “because you are more sensitive during that time. You don't want to overextend yourself, especially as there might be an added layer of ‘stress’ to the sexual experience.” So think missionary position, spooning, or doggy.
Rowntree says there really aren’t any magical “period sex positions” that are drastically different from non-period sex. Instead she recommends going with whatever feels good to you both. “Again, since menstrual blood can act as a natural lubricant, it can’t hurt to take advantage of more ‘lube,’ she says. “Of course, if your partner is extra-aroused or feeling more physically sensitive, definitely bear that in mind if you are engaging in deep penetration (or nipple play too for that matter, since some women experience increased breast sensitivity during their cycle).”
For non-penetrative play, Rowntree suggests engaging in oral sex, fingering, or mutual masturbation, or feel free to play with toys. “As always, be sure to keep the lines of communication open throughout play time so you both have an enjoyable experience—and that goes for whether she’s on her period or not,” she says.
Yes, says Rowntree, provided you and your partner are both tested and free from any STIs. “Even though menstruation is not due to an open wound, you still would be in direct contact with blood, so it’s important to mitigate any health risks."
Stewart adds that you would take the same precautions as you would with regard to fluids, as if you were/are a squirter, including using barrier methods of protection. She also suggests placing down large puppy pads, a waterproof sex blanket, or a large towel so that you keep the fluid in a confined area.
If you still feel a little weird about having sex on your period, relax. According to Stewart, this is normal. “[Getting] to a place where you don't care about being on your period takes a little bit of practice, and also some reassurance from a lover who is open and willing to be a part of the experience,” she says. “If you're self-conscious about the fluid getting on things, make sure that you prepare for that ahead of time. That means, you should get some wet wipes and other things that would help you to feel better about the spreading of the fluid itself.”
Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to reflect on your relationship and refresh your sex life. There’s no better holiday to use as an excuse to spice things up with new toys, which is lucky for you because there are plenty of them on sale right now. Pick these up now under the guise of Valentine’s shopping and spend the whole year having fun.
Some of the more fun toys on the market are designed for mutual pleasure, which is what Valentine’s Day is all about. Try these:
The Lelo Tiani 3 remote-controlled couples’ massager (on sale for $135.20) vibrates inside and outside of a vagina, transmitting the vibes to both partners. Plus it’s remote-controlled, so you can even take it on the go if you’re into public foreplay.
The We-Vibe Sync O vibrator ($169 on Lovehoney) is similar, but has 10 speeds, an O-shaped internal arm to hold it in place, and the ability to connect not only to a remote, but your phone, for maximum convenience.
To play around with new positions, try the Whipsmart Mini Try-Angle Position Cushion ($99.99 at Adam and Eve). The wedge-shaped pillow is small enough for travel, gives you access to angles that are otherwise hard to achieve, and it comes with cuffs that can attach to the pillow itself for a little extra bondage play.
If you really want to try bondage, picking up a starter kit for Valentine’s Day is a perfect entry point. The eight-piece Lovehoney All Tied Up kit ($59.49) comes with everything you need: a blindfold, wrist and ankle cuffs, under-mattress straps, a non-intimidating beginner’s flogger, nipple suckers, and more.
This mattress attachment on Amazon ($28.99) has 12 links to attach foot and ankle cuffs, meaning there are all kinds of positions you can stick each other in. If you're already using a standard mattress attachment to go forced spread-eagle, this is about to open up a world of opportunities.
Try this wearable device that has clitoral suction, internal vibration, and anal stimulation—but is controlled the partner's phone ($34.99 on Amazon). It'll make your Valentine's dinner... special.
Whether you’re with a partner or on your own, these will put you in that blissful mood:
It’s not Valentine’s Day without roses, but this year, you should get some that never die (unless you forget to charge them). The ever-popular Ravishing Rose Pleaser ($35.97 on Adam and Eve) has sold over 100,000 units—and for very good reason. The suction-based vibe is small but powerful. This dual-sided rose vibe from Amazon ($26,99) features both a flicking “tongue” and a thrusting bullet, making it a flower of many important functions, and the Rosegasm Lingo Dual Ended Cliteral Vibrator ($79.99 on Adam and Eve) is a more standard wand vibe with a beautiful floral design, so you could leave it on your nightstand, and only you will know what it really does.
Lovehoney’s Heartbeat Clitoral Suction Stimulator ($59.99) is similar to the suction roses, but its heart shape gives it a more ergonomic design, making it easier to hold in place. Plus, it just looks Valentine’s-y.
Speaking of hearts, put some over your nipples and call it Valentine’s lingerie. The Coco Unlined bodysuit ($44.95 on Adore Me) is strappy, sexy, and heart-adorned, so it’s perfect for the holiday.
Lelo’s Soraya Beads ($183.20) are vibrating anal beads that are small enough for beginners and powerful enough for pros. Plus, unlike the beads you might find at your local adult store, they look classy, which elevates the whole experience to a more romantic level.
Toys are for everyone. Try these as well:
Lelo’s remote-controlled Hugo prostate massager ($141.75) features vibrating motors in the base and the tip, is easily controlled with a sleek remote, and is medium-sized so it’s neither too big nor too small. He can wear it on his own or with a partner and its curve shape is sure to keep it in place.
The Lover’s Cage ($24.99 on Adam and Eve) supports the penis and balls to enhance erections, but also features a delicate, heart-shaped tickler and a removable bullet vibe for extra attention on the lady.
The Fleshlight Quickshot compact masturbator ($39.99 on Lovehoney) can be used alone or by a partner, who will enjoy that it’s transparent, so they can see everything while they move it up, down, and all around on the shaft.
A three-pack of different sized cock rings ($9.98 on Amazon) can help get you super hard and make you look like you're really packing some heat.
Golden showers. Water sports. Piss play. These are all ways to describe piss kinks, which is any use of urine for sexual pleasure. (Call if urophilia, if you're classy.) If your reaction to reading those terms is to think them unsanitary, gross, or uncommon, consider that for something to have that many nicknames and euphemisms, it has to be more common than you think.
It turns out a whopping 32% of participants in a study of over 4,000 Americans said they’ve had a sexual fantasy involving urine before. There are also a lot of online communities focused on golden showers—for instance, the "watersports" group on the kink-friendly social media website FetLife has over 25,000 members.
Still, no matter how common it is, if you’re unfamiliar with it, urophilia can be confusing, especially if your partner is asking you to indulge in it. Here’s what you need to know before wetting the bed.
Degradation and humiliation are unifying themes across all different types of kinks. The purposeful creation of a consensual activity shrouded in embarrassment and shame can, for some, be liberating and erotic. Many people feel that degradation is a key element in their sexual expression, which we also see in the more mainstream acts of spanking and degrading "dirty talk." Creating a space where humiliation is allowed and agreed upon beforehand can reshape something negative into a positive, freeing, and exciting event.
Since peeing is something private at best and something you might find “disgusting” at worst, someone who’s being peed upon, made to drink urine, or otherwise interacting with the bodily fluid is not only doing something taboo, but something inherently humiliating. When you think about it like that, it’s not much different from verbal degradation or spanking.
More minor expressions of this kink don't enter the realm of full-blown urophilia—consider the frequently-Googled question of whether or not the liquid released when a woman squirts is actually just pee. Squirting is a popular pursuit (in real life and on adult websites) because it’s a physical representation of someone losing complete control. On a base level, losing control of your physical responses can be really exciting—in the right context.
Any time bodily fluids are exchanged, there is always some level of risk. Your bacteria is safe and healthy in your own bodily ecosystem, but that doesn’t mean it should be shared with others. So, with this in mind, you don’t want to get pee in a vagina, for example, because it could cause a yeast or bacterial infection. On the whole, urine exposure likely won’t put you at risk for an STD or illness—on that score, it’s far less risky than vaginal or anal sex, and even than oral sex.
Most importantly, if you're engaging in pissing on a person or vice versa, check for open wounds or broken skin first. To be extra safe, don’t pee on those. As for drinking urine? Healthy people aren’t likely to face harm, but doing it often can cause problems over time, including infection, dehydration, and electrolyte imbalances. It's best to consider it a sometimes activity.
There are different modes of piss play, from drinking it to peeing on someone, but no matter how you choose to go about it, make sure the person doing the peeing drinks a bunch of water about an hour before you get busy. Secondly, it's best to avoid doing it on the bed, for obvious reasons. The easiest place to indulge is typically the shower or bath, which can easily be rinsed afterward (plus, peeing in the bathroom is simply more intuitive—you may find, if you try to pee on your bed, that you can’t actually let it flow.)
Sari Cooper, an AASECT certified sex therapist and director of The Center for Love and Sex NYC, advises, “If you [do] like to play on a bed, be sure you have a waterproof mattress cover under the sheets and plastic picnic table covers totally covering the sheets and a shower curtain on the floor area all around the bed.”
Some people really enjoy the idea of a person peeing their pants. Try wearing a pair of old jeans and having a not-so-accidental “accident” so the wetness visibly spreads all over you. Again, the idea of someone losing control is what drives this fetish. Others may enjoy when a partner loses control and urinates during oral sex. In some cases, they may want to lap it up like a thirsty dog. Go ahead and let them.
As in any sexual situation, consent is paramount, so make sure everything you do is discussed and agreed upon in advance. Talk to your partner about your kinks; though you might feel awkward about it, it's best to start sooner rather than later. It'll make future conversations about the tricky parts of your sexuality easier.
“Like all fantasies or special interests, the best way to begin is by finding out how much a partner may know about kink and fantasies in general. By starting with fantasies, you're also letting them know that you are not asking them to do anything, just talking,” Cooper says. “I tell clients or couples that before they have this conversation, they need to agree to the rule: no making ick faces, no making derogatory comments, and no critical words. It's important that you and a partner (who may or may not share your interest) come to a resolution that you won't shame the other for their interest.”
At a bare minimum, having discussions like this will open up the floor to a frank discussion about what turns you (and them) on.
Exploring piss play, like any other aspect of a relationship, requires open communication, understanding, and respect for boundaries. While it may seem confusing to those not familiar with it, it can be liberating to embrace taboo encounters and create new sexual experiences together. Stay hydrated and enjoy!
2024 is the Year of the Giantess, at least according to the fetish website Clips4Sale. A giantess fetish is exactly what it sounds like: a specific type of fetish or fantasy through which individuals are sexually aroused by the idea of giant women.
Some people get turned on by the idea of being dominated and/or humiliated by a giantess, and some even crave being stepped on. A woman 20x your size would be impossible not to submit to, which can be very exciting for some people.
Women with varying degrees of power have always been a point of fascination in our culture, and especially in private, where gender-based domination plays into a number of other kinks, from financial domination (findom) to the more traditional roles we now associate with tradwives. No matter what form the inclination toward domination or submission takes, it speaks to broader questions in our society about what and who women are, and what or who they should be. A giantess, whose power is represented in a dramatic and physical way, is a natural extension of that conversation.
Toward the end of 2022, a TikTok trend wherein camera angles were used to create the illusion that users were tiny and interacting with off-screen giants took off, garnering millions of views. Often the camera would eventually flip, revealing the much larger person with whom the faux tiny character was interacting. Suddenly, the masses were exposed to the idea of coexisting giants and giantesses, which have always had a solid fan base throughout sex forums, adult sites, and fetish communities. Unsurprisingly, the giantess fetish began dominating searches soon after the trend took over social media.
Despite only recently catapulting to more mainstream popularity, the fetish has been around for quite some time, with low-budget films featuring a giantess character going as far back as 1958. Subreddits with giantess related content alone have more than quadrupled in their size since 2020, coinciding, interestingly, with the rise of influencers like Andrew Tate, who preach about the importance of being an “alpha male.” As cultural discourse revolves around whether there is value in men being more powerful and domineering, interest in the fairytale-like quality of the inherently powerful and domineering giantess has quietly increased too. In this fantasy, men don’t face the societal pressure to be in control; they can submit to the will of all-consuming woman.
Powerful women exist in reality, of course, but giantesses don’t, which is what makes this such a powerful erotic fantasy: It’s impossible to actually carry out. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to incorporate the fetish into your sex life, however.
If you're interested in the giantess fetish (sometimes referred to as macrophilia), it can feel a bit awkward to bring up to a partner, as can any other kink. On Reddit and other forums, macrophiliacs have shared their fears—and successes—when it comes to expressing their desires to a partner, but as one user says"
There's no ‘right time’ to tell your partner about your size kink... If you are not at a point in a relationship where you and your partner have the respect and established communication routes to sit down and openly discuss vulnerable topics with one another, you may want to hold off on this conversation. Don't use this as a reason to not tell them, however. Look at this as a goal to work towards so you can discuss this with them when you are better established.”
Before talking with your partner, explore a little on your own. What is it that you really like about the idea of being with a giant person? Is it feeling small? The idea that you could be squished if she chose and your life is in her hands (or under her feet)? Are you seeking comfort or domination? Explore forums and porn, figuring out what you like and don’t like. There are pros in the field, like Giantess Katelyn, who create content and write about the community. You may find that purchasing custom content (via a site like OnlyFans) or reading a few blog posts is enough for you or you may want to keep going, bringing the fantasy into your physical sex life.
In that case, Giantess Katelyn recommends easing into the subject when discussing kinks or sexual preferences overall, keeping the conversation open and straightforward. Try by bringing up other fetishes, maybe ones that are based around female dominance, and seeing how your partner responds before continuing.
Amanda, a sex and relationship coach known as "The Kink Consultant," adds, "As with all kinks, I recommend doing some research… have conversations about consent and boundaries about what each person wants and doesn't want."
Here are some more important things to consider while having ongoing conversations (since all-at-once can be too much) about your macrophilia:
Be specific. Get into detail about what exactly turns you on. No fetish is one-size-fits-all, so make sure you’re both on the same page.
Don’t become defensive if they’re not immediately understanding or into it. People need time and space to come to terms with and understand things, especially if you’re asking them to take a role in something they haven’t considered doing before. Give them some time to come around and maybe even research on their own.
Share the content you enjoy. If there are specific videos or images that get you going, share with them!
Remember that this may be your fetish, and yours alone. Your partner can be enthusiastic that you’re turned on, but they may never share the kink the exact same way you do. Each person’s kinks are their own and you can’t force anyone to be into anything, so don’t feel disappointed if they don’t develop their own insatiable need to be a giantess. Remember, too, that if your partner is comfortable engaging in this with you, you also need to engage in their proclivities with them, if you’re comfortable.
Once you get all of the conversations out of the way, you can start really incorporating it into your sex life. It can be really fulfilling.
“In the last year I started trying with some of my partners and I didn’t regret it at all! Playing with large size clothes, perspective and roleplay is fun, and my partners really did enjoy seeing me more participative and excited in our sexy time,” says one Redditor.
Amanda adds: “In general, this fantasy can be realized through role play and some good camera angles. There's a really wide range for what people fantasize about with a giantess fetish, so it's important to know what you like and don't like. For example, for some the fetish is about being stomped on, and for others it can be extremely exciting to imagine being trapped in a jar by a giant. Talk to your partner about what appeals to them about the fantasy. From here you can outline role plays together.
"Another fun way to engage is to record footage from a low angle to give the illusion that the person being recorded is a giant," she adds. "Bringing these two things together—role play and recording—is a great way to fully play with the fantasy.”
Overall, the giantess fetish, while unique, can be exciting, even for newcomers. While it exists in the realm of fantasy, it can still be incorporated in real-life scenarios, as long as you're willing to be creative and open to it. The lust for female dominance is a fetish that exists in many different forms, some more intensely than others. The key is a willingness to explore.
The fantasy of shower sex (hot and steamy) typically doesn't live up to its reality (damp and slippery, and maybe even a little dangerous). Like sex on the beach, shower sex sounds sexy in theory but is more often than not an uncomfortable and awkward experience.
"A lot of people see shower sex in the movies and think it looks great, but when they try it, they feel a bit let down," erotic film director Erika Lust of ERIKALUST says. "From personal experience and through directing sex scenes in my films, there are a couple of reasons as to why it may get a bad reputation. One, the setting isn’t right. The shower may not have any handles or anywhere to lean or grab, making it a bit awkward and restricting positions. Two, It’s too built up. It’s better to not have any expectations and go with the flow. Don’t get caught up on what it should look or be like. And three, foreplay is skipped. People can get too excited with all that’s going on around them that they skimp on foreplay. Foreplay is a really important step to build intimacy and excitement, and shouldn’t be skipped."
But still, all this yearning for toe-curling shower sex can't be all for nothing.
"Taking a shower together is a really intimate and sometimes vulnerable moment," Lust says. "Especially washing each other. And intimacy is hot. It’s also, for many, something new and exciting—there is something about the water, the skin-on-skin contact and the closeness that just makes shower sex so hot."
Maybe it won't be as seamless as movies make it out to be, but according to experts, shower sex can still be an orgasmic experience for some with the right preparation and positions.
Before you rub soap all over your partner's body as foreplay, intimacy expert Kiana Reeves says the biggest key in making any sexual experience enjoyable is communication and comfort with your partner(s). "You want to make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with a shower sex session, and it can even help to discuss beforehand any positions that would make you uncomfortable, along with any potential safety considerations," she says.
Also, if you're in need of birth control, Zach Zane, sex and relationships expert at Fun Factory, says IUDs and daily birth control medications are effective for birth control in the shower, and while condoms can indeed be effective too, "they are more likely to tear or break if you are not using silicone-based lube, so we highly recommend using silicone lube for shower sex."
Speaking of lube, Zane says what most people are doing wrong in the shower is not using any lube or using the wrong kind of lube. "Water is actually not a lubricant," he says. "Think about it; when you use water-based lube, it’s not just a bottle of water. There are other ingredients in there that make it more viscous and last longer. When having shower sex, you really need to use lube, and you should consider using silicone-based lube (or oil-based) lube because the shower water won’t wash those types of lubes off easily. Shower water will quickly wash away water-based lube." However, he notes that "oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms."
Because you’re working in a tight space with less surface area to balance on, finding a good position can be awkward for most of us. "I’ve found it’s helpful to go into the experience with an exploratory mindset, so it gives you the freedom to try out different positions and explore what works and what doesn’t," Reeves says. "It’s totally normal for it to take a few positions or pleasure seshes to find one that feels 'right,' so going in with that mindset can help alleviate any awkwardness or self-consciousness you might feel. But it’s still normal for things to need some practice to work themselves out!"
No matter how you're positioning yourselves, Lust recommends using a non-slip mat, and to make use of shelves or handles to grab onto for extra stability. Also, "Use the shower head," she says. "Most of us are no stranger to using a shower head for pleasure; in fact it was probably a lot of peoples first sex toy. If possible, detach the shower head and use it to pleasure the other person and lightly tickle their genitals."
To help get you started, Lust suggests try standing. "It's simple but very enjoyable," she says. "Have one person lean against the shower wall while the other penetrates from behind. This is great because you can position the shower head to trickle water down the back."
If possible, she also suggests taking a seat. "Whether on the edge or on the shower floor, this will allow one person to straddle the other with minimal risk of slipping," Lust says. "Maybe position the shower head slightly away so it isn’t restricting anyones eyesight."
Finally, if you find that you can’t find a position that feels good for penetration, Reeves suggesting trying oral or hand sex.
Toys can be another great way to experiment with shower sex. Zane recommends the BOOTIE RING, which is a butt plug connected to a cock ring. "I’d insert the toy before heading into the shower. And then, the cock ring portion of the toy will help you sustain an erection," he says. Additionally, he likes the B BALLS DUO, "a weighted butt plug that you can insert before having shower sex for additional pleasure."
For those into pegging, Lust suggests trying SHARELITE. "It is completely waterproof as it is made out of body-safe silicone," she says. "The beauty of SHARELITE, is that it is a harness-free dildo so there are no straps getting wet and potentially chafing." Another toy Lust recommends is Maya by Love Not War. "It is a recycled bullet that is 100% waterproof, with a tapered tip made for exploring," she says. "Since this toy is made of aluminum, it is great for temperature play too. The head unscrews and can be submerged in hot or cold water."
There are plenty of scams strewn throughout the intersection of lust and tech—but making money by sexting actually is legit. In fact, it's similar to old-school sex hotlines, but reimagined for the digital-focused age. If that's something you're interesting in pursuing, you first should know what apps are available in this space and understand that there are professionals and sex workers who use them strategically, so you’re going to have to put in work. The landscape is always changing, too: Sites that used to be great have fallen off or changed business models, so you can’t rely on seven-year-old Reddit posts to help you navigate them all.
SextPanther, NiteFlirt, and Phrendly are solid places to start, and you can expect to earn about $0.60 per volley or relay. In general, these things work like this: The other party pays a fee ($1, $1.25, or somewhere in that ballpark depending on the site and your settings) but only when you respond to their message. They send a message and when you respond, the fee is deducted from their account and you get a cut. You can respond more than once, but they only pay once until they respond again and you respond to that, which will give you another cut of another fee. A lot of the sites also allow for audio and video calls, where you’ll make more money, but if you’re not comfortable, you can stick with message relays. (More on that later.)
You can also advertise on adult sites and charge money for access to your Snapchat or other standard chatting apps, but for now, let’s stick with these premade sites, which are really helpful for beginners.
First of all, while you should be prepared to get sexual, you should also bear in mind that you’re likely to chat with people who keep things surprisingly PG-13. Just like the older generation’s sex hotlines, these platforms are used by all kinds of people, some of whom just want to chat normally and consistently with someone. One former user of multiple platforms, Ellen, told me she had a regular client who was a trucker. He would check in with her at night when he was resting after a day of driving and though he did occasionally want some dirty talk, he was also interested in her life, sharing stories about his day, and general discussion. She got paid for all of it.
Before getting started on any of these sites, you will need to upload photos of yourself. In some cases, the sites will need to approve you, which could take some time or result in a rejection. You can’t skate by with blurry or fake photos, so if you’re not comfortable having a picture attached to this endeavor, just don’t. Even if you do manage to make an account with bad pictures, you likely won't make nearly as much as the other people on there who are using real ones. Spend some time checking out the sites and Reddit reviews to see if you can get away with headless shots or just invest in a wig and alter your appearance a little.
As mentioned, it does require work. You’ll need to “like” or “star” people to get them talking to you; they have a ton of options and they’re paying, so they’re going to start conversations with people who have robust profiles and solid pics, and people who seem like they’ll respond. Your profile should mention interests, things you like to talk about, and sexual niches you're OK with getting into, and it should feature multiple photos.
“It surprised me how difficult it was to get started,” says Rose, who joined Phrendly during the early days of COVID lockdown, when she was stuck at home and earning a reduced paycheck from her day job. “I had to work endlessly to strategically ‘match’ with someone and finally get the conversation started. You also have to pay strict attention to it because you only get paid when you respond to their messages.” Bear in mind, too, that not all of these platforms have mobile apps. She toggled on SMS reminders to let her know when someone had responded to her, then booked it to her computer to respond. If you fail to respond within a certain time frame—usually 12 hours—you don’t get paid for that one.
Rose largely stuck to text relays, but she says she did do one video call and also earned extra from “gifts” users sent her, which translated to money in her pay. Ellen made about $200 from MyGirlFund in 2014, which has since earned a reputation for being stricter about who can sign up. She also used Phrendly off and on during the pandemic, netting about $75. It’s not a path to easy money and it starts off slow, so don’t expect to put in minimal effort or get a big payout immediately.
Safety should always come first, too. We recommend you use a fake name and photos of yourself that aren’t available on your regular social media (provided you’re not a sex worker who advertises in other spaces and is more open about the work). Check the background in all of your uploads, too, to be sure there’s nothing identifying lurking behind you, Rose says. Bear in mind, though, that to get paid, you do need to provide your real name and identification. This information is private and only the company can see it, but there will be technically a record out there that you did this, even if it’s locked away in administrational files. You should check in with yourself regularly to make sure you still feel comfortable with the parameters you've set up.
Beyond the money, there might be other positives involved here, depending on what you're looking to get out of the experience.
“It felt like I got to work on my acting skills,” Rose says. “I’m a very literal person and have a bad poker face. I also am better at showing than telling—which makes me a horrible sexter in real life—so it felt like an opportunity to get better at online flirting and a little bit of creative writing through sexting a bit. It felt super empowering. There’s nothing wrong with sex work, and if someone is seeking companionship on a website, I could be a great person for them to connect with.”
If you want to strengthen intimacy with your partner, the new year is a great time to re-evaluate old habits and start some new ones. You resolve to do so much for yourself, so why not make this year a joint effort toward pleasure? It might seem a little awkward, but it’s actually a great way to start the new year off with a bang.
First, you’ll need to set aside some time to chat with your partner about what worked in the bedroom this year—and what didn’t. Before you structure the resolutions themselves, it's important to assess both your needs. Set aside some time to do this together, maybe after dinner or while you’re making your plans for New Year’s Eve. Go into the conversation prepared to say what you need, but also prepared to listen to what they need.
"I encourage couples to lean into the hopefulness of the new year," says Dr. Lori Davis, a certified clinical sexologist in New York. That’s a positive place to start. Instead of looking at joint resolutions as a way to address grievances, be positive about all the great sexual experiences and intimacy you could find in the new year. As Davis says, "You can make changes to your sex life and find more pleasure, ease, and intimacy."
She recommends resolving to become "an erotic team who are intentionally engaged in creating a sex life that works for both of you," so ask yourself and your partner what that looks like and how you’re already doing it in other parts of your life.
Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex therapist who focuses on "planning for pleasure on purpose," adds that you both need to get specific and define what you mean by sexual intimacy before planning any resolutions around it: "Make sure you know what counts to you both so that it doesn’t get lost in the count. Defining terms means you both understand what is meant when you use a word and it gives more space for intimate success."
Oriowo says she sees couples make resolutions to increase their sexual intimacy, but also to add some more variety. Davis agrees, noting she sees couples make plans to have more sex, which is a good thing, since it "shows how much both partners value their sex lives together."
Obviously, wanting to have more sex is a common theme, but to accomplish that, Davis suggests exploring why you aren’t already. Is it time commitments? A lack of energy? A lack of attraction? Getting to the root causes and adjusting your resolutions around them will be more beneficial than just throwing out a blanket statement to "have more sex." Oriowo says this should be done very specifically: Quantify your wants. Instead of saying you want to have more sex, suggest a number of times per week you’d like to aim for. Having a more structured resolution in place will keep you on track.
Consider some resolutions like these:
Resolve to explore a new fantasy for each partner once per month
Resolve to visit a sex toy shop quarterly and both make a purchase you’re interested in
Resolve to have sex in a new place (even just around the house) twice per month
Remember though, sex is supposed to be fun. It's okay if you deviate from this list a bit as you go. It's most important to have fun with it.
Additionally, if you’re stuck, try what Davis calls a "yes/no/maybe list," or a list "of possible intimate activities where you can consider what you might want to do, might never consider, and what could be nice in the right context." Find a mutual "yes" or "maybe" and go from there.
To make sure these resolutions don't fall by the wayside, Oriowo suggests writing down your resolutions and checking in on your progress. The journal can be completed together—or separately, then shared—but it should go over how you feel, what you want more of, what you want less of, and how you’re moving forward in the goal of having more intimacy and connection.
"Remember that getting off track in your resolutions is actually totally expected," says Davis. "Give yourself and your partner a little grace and compassion. Working on your sex life can bring up lots of feelings and, of course, life always wants to get in the way of our need for rest and connection."
Most importantly, if you're not in the mood to have sex, don't force it. It's totally normal for libidos to change and alternate for any number of reasons. Both doctors say to set reminders in your calendar to check in with one another. This is key. Oriwo suggests trying to do this weekly, while Davis says you could even try to do it once a month. No matter how often you check in, make sure you’re referring back to the original list of resolutions and your intimacy journal, reflecting on what has and hasn’t worked, and tweaking the plan as necessary.
"If you get off track, acknowledge it," says Oriowo. "Talk about what got in the way and how you want it to get back on track."
If you have a low sex drive, a lack of focus when you are getting it on, or feel dull or bored when it’s time to do the deed, you might want to consider using a something called “sensate focus”—a technique recommended by couples and sex therapists to reconnect with your body and your partner.
Couples and sex therapist Dr. Lee Phillips once worked with a couple that had recently had a child. The mother had lost her sex drive, which was leading to conflict with her partner. Phillips introduced the couple to sensate focus, telling them to touch each other mindfully and just notice the sensations, without any goal.
Phillips advised the couple “to focus on the temperature, pressure, and texture” as they touched each other, prompting them specifically to notice little things like this: “Are your partner’s hands cold or hot? What do you prefer? What does the pressure feel like? Is it firm or soft? What do you like? With texture, are your partner’s hands smooth or rough?” After doing this exercise and similar ones and discussing them in therapy, the couple had gone from not having sex to having sex about once a week. “Sensate focus allowed for a decrease in pressure” and helped the couple “explore parts of their bodies that brought them pleasure,” Phillips says.
The technique was first developed by sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s with the aim of helping couples struggling in the bedroom to connect intimately without the pressure to get aroused, orgasm, or have intercourse. Many studies support its efficacy, and a multitude of sex therapists prescribe sensate focus to treat varied sexual problems, from low desire to premature and delayed ejaculation, according to sex and couples therapist Marissa Nelson.
The technique involves a series of assignments that couples complete at home and then discuss with a therapist. “The goal is to tune into your body and to really understand what your needs are so that you can better communicate that with a partner,” Nelson says. The goal is also to reduce performance anxiety by shifting the focus to pleasure, she adds, as “you can’t pay attention to your pleasure and anxiety at the same time.”
The sensate focus technique consists of a series of at-home exercises. For the first exercise, both partners are clothed and focus on non-genital touch, according to Rhiannon John, a sexologist at BedBible. Each person takes turns touching their partner for their own pleasure, without trying to arouse the partner. “This step is crucial for building trust, comfort, and reconnecting with the body,” John says. “The focus here is entirely on the sensations experienced and providing feedback to your partner about what feels pleasurable and comfortable.”
Once a couple has mastered this first exercise, they might move on to genital touch for the next one. But even then, it’s important not to aim for sexual arousal or intercourse. “The primary aim here is to familiarize yourself with your partner’s body and, importantly, to communicate your preferences and boundaries openly,” John says. “This stage encourages a deeper understanding of your partner’s body and can foster a sense of vulnerability and intimacy.”
There are five stages in total, the next ones being mutual touching (where both people touch each other simultaneously, rather than taking turns), genital-to-genital touch, and penetration. For all these stages, “the focus remains on mindful connection, open communication, and pleasure, rather than achieving a specific sexual goal or orgasm,” John says.
Nelson recommends exploring sensate focus under the guidance of a therapist, since it may bring up conflicts or difficult emotions that require processing. Relationship and sex therapist Dr. Viviana Coles agrees that couples “need to have guidance to make sure that the emotional connection is growing alongside the physical one.” However, if you want to try sensate focus by yourselves, below is a simplified version that Phillips outlined.
Before engaging in sensate focus, Phillips recommends setting the mood. “You may want to set the tone by dimming the light, lighting candles, [playing] relaxing music, making sure the room is not too cold or hot, and turning off all phones,” he says. During the exercise itself, you’ll decide who will first be the giver and who will be the receiver. The receiver will let the giver know how much skin they’re comfortable exposing and if there are any areas where they don’t want to be touched.
“The receiver proceeds to lay on a comfortable surface, and the giver begins touching the receiver’s body and exploring every nook and cranny,” Phillips says. “Remember, skin is a large sex organ; it’s everywhere. Experiment with light touches, gentle touches, more firm touches, scratches, using forearms, hair, cheeks, lips, and other body parts you choose to touch your partner with.”
The giver should focus on what feels good to them, and the receiver should focus on feeling pleasure while letting the giver know if anything is less than enjoyable. “You may moan and groan when something feels good. You may even say something feels good out loud; everyone loves positive feedback,” he says. “The only goal is to enjoy the sensations in this activity for both partners, the receiver and the giver. Use all five senses. Pay attention to your partner’s scent, how their touch feels, the sounds they make, and how their skin tastes—and if there is enough light, open your eyes now and then.” Afterward, Phillips recommends discussing how the experience was for each of you.
For her own spin on sensate focus, Coles instructs clients to take turns giving each other 15-minute massages with clothes on. “This is not a physically therapeutic massage, so keep your strokes light and soft,” she says. “Don’t forget to massage the scalp, hands, and feet.”
After people complete sensate focus exercises, Nelson often advises them to journal about what feelings came up. “I like to ask: What happened to you? What made it difficult for you? What were some of those automatic negative thoughts that were coming up? What were the thoughts that kept you from being as present as you’d like to be? It’s important to hear what these distractions are in their heads so they can start addressing them. Many times, there are long-held belief systems that come up that are important to address.”
The sensate focus technique is geared toward helping people become more mindful and present in the bedroom. The slow pace and goalless structure are aimed at helping people notice their sensations and quiet their minds. People can approach sex this way whether or not they’re engaged in sensate focus by keeping their attention on the touch they’re giving and receiving. “Refocus on the sensations whenever you realize you are thinking of something else,” Phillips advises.
Another skill people practice in sensate focus that anyone can apply to sex is communicating about what feels good and what doesn’t. “Too often, we’ve been socialized to believe that our partners are responsible for our pleasure—that our partners should innately know what our needs are, what our wants are, what we like and don’t like,” Nelson says. “Some people feel very uncomfortable talking about sex, uncomfortable talking about their needs, but they desire for people to know what they like.”
Regardless of what your bedroom repertoire looks like, we could all benefit from sharing our preferences with our partners. “You can touch and ask questions,” Nelson says. “What does this sensation feel like? Do you like a firmer pressure? Do you like a softer touch? Where do you like to be touched? What about your neck?” While this may sound daunting, it can open up a world of possibilities for connecting with a partner and building a mutually rewarding sex life.
If you’re curious about choking during sex, you’re not alone. A 2020 national probability survey of Americans aged 18 to 60 years found that 21% of women reported having been choked during sex with 20% of men reporting they had choked a partner during sex. With “Choke Me Daddy” memes making the rounds on social media and beyond, it’s not surprising that the survey also found that adults aged 18 to 29 engage in choking at much higher rates than older adults.
Although choking, also known as erotic asphyxiation, might heighten curiosity and arousal for some, it’s not without its risks. Here’s what you need to know to ensure your safety and have a good time.
“Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or—as it’s known in the kink community—breath play, is an activity in which a partner (or oneself, as in autoerotic asphyxiation) restricts the airflow of someone’s breathing by adding pressure around their throat and windpipe,” says Lisa Finn, Babeland’s sex educator.
Finn says choking can be really hot for a number of the same reasons that any more “risky” form of play, especially BDSM play, can be.
“There’s the adrenaline of the danger behind it, pain for pleasure, the physical sensation of pressure and lightheadedness, and the sort of primal and aggressive energy of being handled in a more assertive way,” she says. “One of the biggest appeals of choking we hear about is the exchange of power. The emotional and physical aspect of taking control over or surrendering and having a release from control with something that could really hurt (or even kill) and the trust and intimacy that goes with that.”
When it comes to the physical effects of choking, Finn says the sensation of being choked sends a spike of adrenaline through our system and “kicks the sympathetic nervous system (aka, the danger response, like fight or flight) into gear. Paired with the high-like lightheadedness and an already heightened state from arousal, this can have effects like added intensity or even a sort of euphoric sensation to orgasm.”
While it might be considered erotic by some, choking during sex can also be lethal with autoerotic asphyxia being estimated to cause 250-1,000 deaths per year in the United States.
“Choking is extremely dangerous, and if you don’t do it correctly, you can give someone permanent brain damage or even kill them,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and retailer.
That is why she highly suggests taking a class on choking to ensure that your lover is safe and that you are utilizing correct techniques.
“It is considered Edge Play for a reason,” Stewart says. “You need to decide if you want to do an air choke or a blood choke. I highly suggest the former because it is easier for people who are new to kink and it’s really about the restriction of breath, rather than restriction of blood flow to the brain. With a blood choke you can squeeze the very important interior and exterior jugular veins. So this is why I think this kind of choking should only be reserved for those who are familiar with extreme play and the safety precautions necessary. You also need to have safety guards in place such as safe words, gestures, and knowledge around warning signs that you are harming someone.”
For someone who has experienced trauma and wants to introduce choking into their sex life, Stewart recommends going to a kink-aware and trauma-informed coach, therapist, or counselor first and then going to someone who is experienced at using kink to transform the trauma in people’s lives. Ideally, she says it would be great if these were two different people to work together to “ensure that you are getting the care you need. In addition, making sure that you are educated about the various aspects of choking and knowing how to do it properly. I believe going slowly and integrating various aspects of choking is best and to do this over time.”
First and foremost, Finn says, scene negotiation and safety are essential, as they are with any BDSM acts, but especially one that can be as dangerous as breath play, which has some serious physical risks like injury, brain damage, or even death.
“There are emotional and mental risks to this kind of play as well,” she says. “Being choked without warning or discussion, feeling like the experience is one-sided, or any way of having breath play go outside of your boundaries can be terrifying and traumatic.”
Finn recommends taking the time to discuss this with your partner and knowing what it is about choking that turns you on is essential here, too. Are you into the physical sensation? Do you want your choking to be aggressive or tender? Is a “struggle” part of the dynamic of the roleplay, or is that a sign that something is wrong?
“Having misaligned expectations in any intense scene can lead to a less pleasurable or even downright uncomfortable experience, physically and emotionally,” Finn explains.
Second, Finn suggests making a safeword and a safe action (or “safe gesture”).
“A safeword is a word that you can call out that communicates the need for all action to stop for any reason, and is especially important during intense play like this,” she says. “When you are choking your partner, you should not be reaching the point where they cannot speak. That’s a sign that you’ve passed a line of physical safety.”
However, if you or your partner get to that point of not speaking because of airflow obstruction or if there’s any other reason someone may be unable to clearly speak or clearly hear when a safeword is used (for example, if there’s loud music, if a partner may go non-verbal, if a partner is hard of hearing) it’s essential, she says, to have a safe action in addition to a safeword. Some examples for safe actions that Finn recommends include: squeaking a toy, dropping a set of keys, tapping your partner twice (“tapping out”), or raising an open palm in a “stop” gesture.
If your partner becomes non-responsive, it’s key to stop all play immediately and seek medical attention.
When we talk about sex, some of the most widely-used euphemisms point to how private the act usually is. We refer to what we do “behind closed doors” or “in the bedroom.” Naturally, then, the thought of taking the show on the road is taboo and sexy. Public play is a pretty common fantasy because it feels a little risky (and sometimes is). You can bring it to life without going all the way to Pound Town by engaging in public foreplay—but there’s a respectful and safe way to do it.
It’s hard to know exactly how common the sex-in-public fantasy really is, but 2018 research suggests that novelty and adventure are elements of the third most common fantasy genre for Americans, right behind threesomes and BDSM. For what it’s worth, while working on this article, every time I tried to Google for information, I mostly got links to porn, where there are tons of staged upskirt videos of women on buses and clips of performers banging while seemingly unsuspecting friends and family are mere feet away.
Because we live in a capitalist society, we can gauge the popularity of this fantasy in a more money-minded way. If people didn’t want to take their play out into the real world, we wouldn’t be able to buy wearable toys designed to be tucked discreetly into our undies and controlled by an app on a partner’s phone, would we?
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter how common the fantasy is. You’re here looking for information, so it’s important to at least one person and that’s what counts. The issue with fantasies is they can be abstract or too complicated. There are easy ways to implement public foreplay into your sex life without orchestrating overly complex scenarios.
I spoke to Amanda, aka “The Kink Consultant,” a sex and relationship coach, about ways you and your partner can pull this off on your next night out. Here are a few tips:
First, make sure you’re at a busy restaurant or bar, as noise and general commotion will actually give you some cover.
Try the toy or wearable vibrator in private first to get a feel for how it works and how you like it.
Only insert it when you’re going to start playing; if you do it at the start of the night, “things could get uncomfortable if it’s being worn for too long.”
Think outside the box: “Restrictive devices like a chastity belt or cage can add spice. Using a butt plug or nipple clamps can provide some tantalizing fun.”
Discuss the strategy with your partner before you get to your chosen site. Have a plan in place for what you’ll do if you end up not enjoying it, for instance, and set some clear guidelines for when you’ll leave to go home and really get busy. Setting up a timeline and boundaries might seem a little clinical, but it doesn’t have to zap the fun out of your adventure: “It can add a little extra spice for the controller to give the directions to the wearer,” Amanda says. If you’re handling the directing, something as simple as handing the toy over and telling them to go to the bathroom to put it on can be exciting.
You can also try a few non-toy options, like heading to the bathroom and removing your undies, then slipping them in your partner’s hand when you return to the date. Hell, gamify it by challenging each other to see who can talk the dirtiest throughout dinner. Whichever person folds and asks for the check first because they’re ready to get out of there has to pay the bill.
All of this is fun and good, but it’s morally wrong to make your sexy adventure someone else’s problem, so be respectful of everyone around you at all times. The presence of strangers is kind of the whole crux of the fantasy, but they should never, ever know what you’re up to. It’s not fair to them.
“Consent is key and bystanders should never be exposed to your play,” says Amanda. “Busy and loud places allow for more anonymity—which means you’ll be able to get away with a little more without being noticed.”
If you’re using a wearable vibrator, make sure you gauge how loud it is in your at-home trial run and nix it if it’s going to be audible to people around you. If you’re planning to talk dirty at the dinner table, keep your voices low. In addition to being respectful of others, it can actually be more fun for you if you set a no-touching rule while you’re out, waiting instead until you’re somewhere more private. Amanda even suggests planning your outfit around your plans, pointing out that skirts and looser-fitting clothing can make it easier to adjust things without drawing attention. A loose top can obscure clamps and a long skirt can hide the fact that you’re going commando. Planning goes a long way, so don’t leave anything to chance.
2023 is winding down, the holidays are coming, and tons of people will head back to their hometowns for the celebration. Traveling home for the holidays is a funny experience. You’re headed somewhere you know intimately, but it’s different now that you’re not there. Are your old friends still the same? Did your favorite diner survive the pandemic and all the economic weirdness after? Are your old hook-ups in town? Are there new people you haven’t seen before?
If you're looking for a hookup, Tinder is your best bet, full stop. It’s quick, it’s straightforward, most people have it, and there isn’t a lot you have to do to set up a profile. “It’s bound to be incredibly depressing, extremely funny, or a straight-up good time,” says Don G., a 32-year-old Brooklynite heading back to Pennsylvania for Christmas who plans on using Tinder once he is back in town. He anticipates scrolling across at least one “high school flame” and seeing what they’re doing. With any luck, it'll be him.
“Hinge and Bumble always felt a bit commitment-oriented,” he says. “If that’s your vibe, by all means, pop off, but I think Tinder is the standard for hometown swiping. It has the reputation for a reason and it brings the least amount of messy pretense into any hangout.” Hinge and Bumble do have a reputation as more commitment-oriented, though Carmela, a 20-something New Yorker who heads home to Michigan a lot, adds that you’re less likely to encounter someone who’s already married on Hinge than you are on the others, at least in her experience. If you’re not trying to cause any familial drama, you might want to keep that in mind. All the major apps offer the option to declare openly on your profile what you’re looking for, so just be sure to indicate that you’re looking for a quick hookup and nothing more.
A good rule of thumb is to also stay away from specialty apps, as they’re not likely to yield many results. Some, such as Feeld, are really centered around urban hubs, so unless you’re returning to a larger city, you probably won’t have much luck.
As mentioned, it’s important to be upfront about what, exactly, you’re looking for. Don advises you should “be as transparent about your intentions as possible.” That’s a good guideline for dating app use in general, so as always, be clear and honest about your intentions. Communication is key to ensure both parties are on the same page and comfortable with the encounter.
Be mindful about how you set your preferences, too. As Don pointed out, you’re likely to run across people you used to know. Whether or not that—and the possibility of them gossiping around town about seeing you on there—bothers you depends on your own preferences, but you do have to accept it as a reality before you go in. Have a plan in place for if and when this happens. If you really don’t want to engage with anyone you know, no problem. Tinder now has an option for you to hide your profile from certain people in your phone contacts. If you don’t have their number, just commit to the old-fashioned way of swiping left on them. If you don’t mind possibly having a one-night stand with a former homecoming king or that shy girl that was somehow always your cashier at the grocery store, prepare what you’ll say when you meet up. Setting your preferences to avoid that altogether can work, but it brings a new set of problems. Carmela says she sets her age range to 34 and above when she visits home, but ends up seeing former professors and co-workers instead of old classmates. Something awkward may well happen no matter what you do. Just choose your awkward.
Still, don’t let this deter you. Even in the smallest towns, you may be able to find someone you don’t know and enjoy a holiday hookup. Be clear about your intentions and just have fun. As Don says, “Don’t take it too seriously… unless you want to. Even then, just remember you’re going back to your normal life three days later, and they will be, too.”
It’s the gifting season and while you’ll be giving wholesome presents to friends and family, you can also use this time to get some spicy goods for your partner. Hell, you can even just do some sexy shopping for yourself. If you’ve been wondering about introducing some toys to your bedroom, try these.
Whether you’re new to toys altogether or looking for something new, here are some gifts for your partner that are really gifts for you both.
Try this BDSM starter kit ($13.99), which comes with hand restraints, a blindfold, a ball gag, and more. It has enough stuff in there for you to figure out what you like—and don’t like—and you can invest in bigger and better versions by the time your partner’s birthday rolls around, making this a gift that keeps on giving.
The most basic—and necessary—gift for couples is lube, so spoil yourselves with the K-Y Yours + Mine ($14.89), which comes with one tingling lube and one warming lube, both of which are sex-toy-safe.
No matter what kind of setup you have in your bedroom, this restraint kit ($13.99) makes it easy to secure arms and legs at a variety of angles without having to think too hard about the logistics of it all.
If you’re not sure where to begin, you could always try these tokens ($5), which have raunchy suggestions about precisely what you and your partner should get up to at that very moment. Have them reach in the bag and pull one out—then do whatever it says.
If you want to pick up some gifts for your friend to use on their own or with you, try these.
A wearable, app-controlled vibrator like this one ($35.99) is fun for playing on the go. The wearer or another person can control the device using a phone, so there’s more than one way to have fun here.
The sucking rose ($59.99) is the most popular, viral toy out there right now—and for good reason. Give it to your girlfriend or buy it for yourself and you’ll understand why immediately.
Alternately, reject modernity and embrace tradition by picking up the old faithful, a Magic Wand ($99). It’s always a hit. Why reinvent the wheel?
There are great sex toys for those with penises out there too.
Cock rings are a good choice as long as you know your partner and know they’d be comfortable with them. Whether using them to stay hard longer (Ultra Sweller set, three for $12.99) or for a little butt action during the deed (the incredibly named Ass-Gasm Penis Plug Ring, $24.99), they can add a lot to your sack sessions.
Male masturbators also make great gifts and you have a lot of options. The All In Stroker is just $13.74 and is a great entry point, but you can also work your way up to the Piper Rechargeable Masturbator ($119.99), which uses suction, vibration, and warmth to create a wild experience for the user.
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