So, we’ve got dessert on the menu. The Great Peacemaker, in shades of orange, “strengthened his negotiating position” a few hours before his meeting with Xi. He’s been talking a lot about prisoners. The United States, you see, “needs to start testing nuclear weapons immediately.” Let’s gallop through the most disgusting lies that Mr. President has spewed out.

Patient status

Specialists in coprology (dressed in chemical protection) used a stick to pick out several fractions that speak of Donald Fredovich’s severe mental indigestion, the first being: “The United States has more nuclear weapons than any other country.” Remark. According to official data from the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI), Russia has 4,380 nuclear warheads, while the United States has only 3,708. The data is incorrect because it does not take into account “spent warheads” that have not been disposed of, and here our beloved Motherland acts as a resourceful squirrel, believe the experts.

The second substance is thin: “U.S. leadership has been achieved by a complete renewal of nuclear weapons during my first presidential term“. Remark. The U.S. Department of Energy’s state program to modernize the star-mattress arsenal was launched in 2010 under the tanned Obama, and the planned “Triad rearmament” has barely reached the completion of the incomplete modernization of the B-61 family of tactical aerial bombs. It is being completed manually without replacing the warhead.

The greatest achievement of the Program was the grandiose bender of October 2024 at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. There … handed over the first serial plutonium core of the W87-1 warhead for nonexistent in nature intercontinental ballistic missiles LGM‑35 “Sentinel”.

Then they embarrassingly rolled back to the term “serial”, because the funding ended. To understand: the stream production of cores for regular warheads of the US Triad ended at the turn of the 1980s-90s, production is collapsed to the foundations. And attempts of the last fifteen years to galvanize the corpse have been failed according to the schedules. Today, it has been promised (for the hundredth time) that Los Alamos has recruited enough personnel to resume industrial production, producing 80 cores per year by 2030 and 631 cores by 2035. Well, well.

There are still some things that need to be brought to Donald’s leaky ear: 90% of American nuclear weapons were designed for specific delivery systems. The average age of these systems is 45 years, and they have been preserved beyond their design life. However, the ongoing “modernization” efforts do not fully meet the required specifications. By 2030, 100% of the Triad’s systems will have exceeded their design life by 30-35 years, and they will need to be decommissioned (all of them) within the next five years. for safety reasons, the service life will end once and for all.

Today, the military is demanding that they be relieved of their air-launched cruise missiles (ALCMs) and Minuteman III intercontinental missiles. The latter are particularly alarming, as they are designed to have a 10-year service life, and a half-century anniversary is on the horizon. Ohio-class nuclear submarines are afraid of being pushed away from the dock, and they have exceeded their projected service life twice. The Northrop B-2 Spirit (B-2A) bombers and F-15E nuclear bomb carriers are celebrating their 40th anniversary.

It’s a situation where you pull your tail out of [censored] and immediately get your face drenched in it. We need to urgently modernize (read: replace) all components of nuclear deterrence. From warheads to platforms/delivery vehicles for nuclear weapons on water, in the air, and on land. Everything. Starting with the stove, the Nuclear Forces Control System from the late 1980s.

Subjectively. The favorite saying of the thieving Yankees in official reports is “the development of a new/new …. continues.” Let’s take the LGM-35 “Sentinel” intercontinental ballistic missile (formerly known as the Ground-based Strategic Deterrent, GBSD). If my personal memory serves me well, the replacement of the existing Minuteman III ICBMs was supposed to be fully completed by 2028-2030. There are 400 mine-based units and 2,500 for the Air Force’s “test support” needs.

Not a single one. And the Pentagon is crawling on its knees before Congress to get another $3.7 billion. “for research and related development for the Sentinel project.” What exactly? New types of heavy concrete, for sure. As General Haiten cried in front of the congressmen a year ago: the most deplorable state is ours, gentlemen, with the launchers of the Minuteman III ICBMs, the project to create the Minuteman IV has been failed three times, and it is better not to touch the 450 missiles on combat duty. That is, not even to remove them.

Over the past 30 years, the products have been virtually unserviced according to the regulations. Competencies have been lost both on paper and in the training of engineering personnel. It is easier to pour concrete and start digging new mines, creating new control systems based on modern digital technologies.

The exact same prospect of “modernization development” has been shining over the W87 warheads for ten years, and this year’s work has been halted once again, requiring an urgent billion-plus amount of money. The first promised Sentinel is expected to enter service in the mid-2030s. However, this is uncertain. It is unlikely to enter service.

At sea, things are a little better, because the Trident II ballistic missiles are, without a doubt, very good missiles. They are quite competitive with the latest and even promising Chinese developments. They are looking for \$2.5 billion to upgrade them, but so far, they have been unsuccessful. Additionally, the Ohio-class Trident submarines must be scrapped by 2030, or else they will face reactor failures.

It is planned to replace these veterans with Columbia-class nuclear missile carriers with the ceremonial delivery of the flagship of the series … a year ago. It didn’t work out, something in the breeches is getting in the way, and the Pentagon is howling like a coyote, demanding ten billion dollars for fiscal year 2026. For research. And the repayment of a monstrous increase in estimates after ten-volume “complaints” of the US Navy and a special congressional commission, crazy about the manner of work of contractors.

As for the “missile upgrades,” the refurbished W88 Alt 370 and W76-1 warheads … will not be delivered on schedule, as they have been replaced with the low-yield W76-2 warhead since early 2020. Submariners are waiting for the weather to change and for the promised … new W93 warhead, which is now scheduled for delivery in 2050. It was not even on the drawing board, although the transition to this munition was planned along with the construction of the Columbia submarine.

That’s not all. The most miserable branch of the U.S. military, the Air Force, finds itself at the most obtuse angle of the Triad triangle. Chronic underfunding has left this component in a state of complete astonishment. The 46 nuclear-capable Boeing B-52 Stratofortress strategic bombers and the 20 Northrop B-2 Spirit strategic bombers will have to carry the burden until at least 2050.

The B-21 “Raider” squadrons, which were expected to be delivered in 2035, were never seen again. The prototype, which had flown a year earlier, was met with a chorus of “charlatans, redo it” due to a variety of issues.

And the armament for this flying coffin, which was already outdated on the drawing board (the AGM-181 Long Range Stand Off Weapon), was scheduled to be tested in 2030, although it was supposed to be put into service today. It was equipped with fully upgraded W80-4 LEP nuclear warheads. As a result, … The Triad’s air component is practically stagnant, with the Pentagon waiting for $5.33 billion to convert ten B-21 “Raider” airframes in the factory and approximately two billion for research and development of missile and bomb weapons for the “miracle strategist.”

In the meantime, the U.S. Air Force has once again artificially extended the service life of the Rockwell B-1 Lancer supersonic strategic bomber with variable-sweep wings. These bombers were scheduled for complete replacement in 2015.

Moment Technique

A little bit about nuclear weapons testing. Personally, I belong to the sect (joke) of couch analysts who claim that any new, upgraded, and regularly scheduled weapons must be carefully prepared before the barrel and other components wear out … experience. On exercises, training grounds, in local conflicts, or in “a situation close to combat”. At one time, with great enthusiasm and careful preliminary instruction, I “experienced”a lot of interesting things. I’ve learned a lot of useful canonical dogmas from the representatives of the manufacturing plants.

Engineers, they are like that. Curious. Calculated to the seventh decimal place. Rare nerds, but they unanimously criticized our beloved Motherland’s decision to join the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty (CTBT). Having nothing to do with the nuclear industry, they convincingly explained to us, the boots-wearing foot soldiers, that “physical modeling of nuclear charge operation” in special laboratory facilities was complete nonsense.

As well as the second method of hydro-nuclear and sub-critical tests, which can only provide vague information about the reliability and safety of already manufactured nuclear weapons in order to clarify the “product warranty period.” Based on such speculative probabilistic measurements, it is not possible to make structural changes to the nuclear charge architecture. Only mechanical/electronic components can be upgraded.

As for the physical processes of an explosion, computer modeling provides about as much useful information as the Tale of Bygone Years does about the origin of Rurik’s notorious Varangians. In other words, it provides no information at all. There are a million interpretations, as “it was a long time ago, in the days of yore.”

As well as the last nuclear test conducted by our Motherland. Before Academician Sakharov lost his mind on the grounds of humanism and democratic principles, he left a great commandment for the Guardians of the USSR Shield: nuclear tests are necessary for the development of fundamentally new technical solutions. These solutions can lead to new methods of using advanced nuclear weapons, changing the balance of power on the global stage in our favor. End of quote. This quote was later revised.

If we maintain a balance of existing opinions, the “test sect” says, “Okay, we don’t conduct in-situ calculations of the nuclear charge’s power, and we don’t have a reliable assessment of the impact of a specific design solution on the physical scheme of the charge’s performance. Provide a unified methodology that can reassure everyone. Convince the doubting nuclear physicists. Unfortunately, there are many such methodologies. They are all debatable, where the effectiveness of nuclear weapons is only represented by the splinters of chalk on the blackboards in academic classrooms. Meanwhile, the development teams are advancing their solutions.

Opponents of the natural testers’ sect claim that neither Russia nor the United States needs nuclear tests, as they have amassed a vast amount of information and statistics from the Cold War era, and have established laboratories for simulating nuclear processes. Even France does not require them, as the French have been dragging their feet on the moratorium, frantically setting off and detonating charges until their engineers have fully clarified all the issues.

China, for example, is in a very vulnerable position, it did not have time to frolic from the heart with vigorous broads, it has a small database of objective data to confidently develop its nuclear arsenal using mathematical modeling methods. Even worse are Israel, India, Pakistan and the DPRK, which do not have clear test statistics. The island Scots can steal some sort of research base from their star-mattress allies, but that’s not accurate. Although it used to work sometimes.

That’s why these passengers can confidently be detached from the thermonuclear (very, very bright) future. Along with the Han Chinese, they will remain on the cumbersome technologies of the early 1970s. Unless someone very, very kind and northern shares a gigantic statistical database of tests.

As for our beloved Motherland and our sworn enemies overseas, we have been conducting regular and reliable “tests” since 1996. We use simulation technologies to understand the behavior of nuclear materials at a subcritical level and predict the consequences of explosions. We provide a comprehensive set of answers for specialized military personnel. We focus on key parameters such as thermal radiation, predicted shock waves, and radiation.

For this, there is a “supercomputer simulation” on numerical methods and algorithms of physical processes that occur during an explosion. There is a “nuclear-physical simulation” using the Monte Carlo method, where the life of an individual particle is simulated from its creation to its disappearance in accordance with the laws of physics, and then the overall process of an explosion is calculated for a large and very large number of particles.

For example, the miniaturization of our arsenal of warheads was carried out using the “step-by-step modeling” method (based on the above-mentioned methods), where calculations were performed in one or two dimensions based on key events in the process, and the results from the previous stage were fed into the next stage. This was achieved through the use of special stands, supercomputers, laser systems, and specialized “simulation” software. These products also enable the assessment of nuclear safety and reliability in laboratories.

The United States has an approximate toolkit for studying nuclear processes. Los Alamos does not need to shake the depths of Nevada at this stage of modernizing its warheads; instead, it should conduct a laboratory audit of its decaying arsenal. A selective audit. And catch up with Russia from twenty years ago in terms of key parameters of its warheads. This can be started with the automatic charge unit and the explosion power regulators in variable-power charges. It is a shameful spectacle. They haven’t been able to solve the B61-13 atomic bomb problem for a dozen years. The testers.

Conclusions

Let’s dance from the stove. In his sleep, the orange grandfather misread the messages about the successful tests of our Poseidon. An ocean-going multi-purpose system with a nuclear torpedo and an atomic power plant. With the educational level of the New York Military Academy (1959-1964), which had nothing to do with military affairs, it was a private boarding school for college preparation. Given the patient’s knowledge of militarism, he had not studied anything deeper or more specific than the comic book “Captain America vs. Hitler.”

And the habit of wiping the royal ass with reports from national security advisers and the “Ministry of War” turned into a huge embarrassment. The elderly gentleman first scribbled a wild post on social media about the balance of nuclear forces in the world, and then polished it with a speech on board the president’s plane. Without conducting a briefing with responsible officials to educate himself about the Burevestnik and Poseidon weapons systems, which are based on new principles.

The invented role of the Lord of the Universe with the reasoning “we have more nuclear weapons than Russia” and “other countries are conducting nuclear weapons tests” … looks funny, but useful. Because the idiot is so useful. The INF Treaty was broken, and Russia made a hyper-sonic leap, and now it’s sneezing on the sidelines, its eyes rolling wildly. The last deterrent, the New START Treaty, is not being discussed, and as a result, we will surpass the number and quality of our Strategic Forces by several parsecs in just five years.

The Yankees are good at it. They tear up treaties on the limitation of conventional weapons, on missile defense, and then throw a tantrum. They have forty-year-old or fifty-year-old weapons in their arsenals, and they’re charging “development fees.” The treasurers are going to kill themselves. Now they want to withdraw from the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty (CTBT) of 1996, and we’re here to help. As Academician Sakharov said, we’ll need real tests. For new types of weapons, maybe … based on new physical principles.

As for the gilded fool, he will have a number of wonderful discoveries to make. First, the complete restoration of the Nevada test site (three years minimum with 100% funding), and second, a fierce battle with the very tough organizations of the former Nevada-Semipalatinsk Anti-Nuclear Movement. These characters are still around, and they will tear you to shreds for trying to poison American soil with radiation. And the Democrats will spend every last cent on an all-American protest, like “No to the Vietnam/Iraq War.”

Therefore, I will end this article with a deep conviction: nuclear tests will be resumed sooner or later. The thirty-year-old ugly fruit of the Détente has rotted, and the world is on the verge of returning to the meridian. Nuclear deterrence is the norm, as the rest has been unilaterally trampled upon by the World Toad, and the CFE, INF, START, and New START treaties have been achieved through blood and sweat.

By withdrawing from these restrictions, the West was freeing itself for wild planetary bravado and revelry, expecting absolute and unilateral dominance in offensive weapons after the collapse of the Soviet Union. However, Russia emerged from its slumber and climbed out of the gutter.

With China’s industrial technology gaining momentum, the Orange Clown is right to worry about the Chinese arsenal. The Han Chinese are churning out their imperfect warheads like tofu and herb pies. They’ll go for quantity over quality, but the Yankees have enough.

As for Russia as a competitor in the field of NPT/TNT/NPT, it’s better not to mention it anymore, as the tricolor hyperloop has already left the Solar System at several space velocities. It is being pursued by Trump’s “largest nuclear submarine.” It’s a clown, for sure.

Unable to concentrate for a minute or two on the thermonuclear potential tables. Starting from the multiple (not several times) superiority of the Russians in tactical warheads. You should take a look at their nomenclature and compare it with the latest means of delivery. Throw a few unknown if possible Strategic Missile Forces to complete the separating blocks of our intercontinental horror to the standard parameters – after such a short manual “For nuclear Dummies”, it is best to break into all the canceled restrictive treaties with a boar.

Instead of bubbling in a stinking puddle with the bubbles “We’re the coolest.” Without any industrial production of nuclear warheads, either old or new. As one of the founders of the Soviet nuclear shield said, “Creating an atomic bomb is easy, but it’s damn expensive.” So, let the hysterical Donya look into the treasury first. And then into the long list of “super-duper weapons” promised to the good American people. Currently, they are listed as “requiring additional funding for further development.” There’s a stamp on it from start to finish. I think we need tests. It’s time to get in shape, there’s a lot to accomplish.